Hey God, where are you, are you listening?

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Do you sometime ask God where he is, is he listening? When you lose someone close to you it is very easy to also lose your faith. LIFE IS HARD! Really it is. It's not a picnic for alot of us. I often wonder how some people get so lucky to never have anything challenging happen to them. How does that happen? They go through life and things just seem to fall into place just right. I know everything is not always as it seems but for the most part there are some people out there that have it all together. Life is one big party with good things all around. I guess being through the ringer has it's advantages. Like the fact that not much shocks me anymore. Stuff happens and I just go with the flow. I hardly ever get angry. I accept the things that come my way. Hoping and praying that I can make it through the challenges and have the strength to handle them. Yes, I'm jaded, I'm hardened and I am sometimes untouchable. But I am still human. In spite of  it all I am surviving. A survivor. A warrior in the face of adversity.

I wonder about the survivors of 9/11. I wonder how they go on each day after the horror that they experienced. The loss was so great, so unfair, so sudden. How do they do it? I wonder about our Amish friend whose brother lost three small children last year in a buggy accident. He along with his whole family are having a hard time, and of course that is to be expected.. He and his wife are expecting another child in a few weeks. David, his brother hopes it will help a little. A new child will not make up for the loss of the others but maybe it's God's way of helping them cope with the loss. I wonder about the man who hit the buggy and took the life of three innocent children. How does he get through the day? I can't even imagine what he must go through. 

When you ask God where he is, know that he is everywhere. He is with us daily and that is how we make it through. When bad things happen I always remember "It can always be worse"! And then I say a prayer for others who are going through a tough time. I ask God to watch over anyone in need right now. He knows who they are. I kept my faith through it all and never asked why me? I just kept going. That's what we have to do---just keep going! 

It's up to you who you believe in. I choose to believe in a higher power and call him God. I believe in faith and the power of prayer. I have seen it working in my life more than once. How about you? Has God touched your life lately?  Has your faith helped you through a tough time? Share your thoughts with me in the comments below. And remember, you are not alone. We will get through this together.

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LAUGHING TILL I CRIED!

Image by imchaudhry photo via Flickr

Did you go, are you going or are you gonna go to bereavement classes? My daughter Keri and I went. It was good, not great but good. I still use a few of the things we learned. It was interesting to hear others loved ones stories. There were a few funny parts.  Like when we brought mementos of our loved ones to share---pictures, stuffed animals, medals, awards, ashes...yes I did say ashes. It was OK that one person brought her loved ones ashes. They were in a very nice urn. With all the misery we were going through I have to say this made me giggle. Well, Keri would say I downright laughed till I cried but I hate to admit that. After all she was just sharing her memories and her loved one. OK Keri, you know you were laughing too and  I admit it! I did laugh till I cried but you know what? It felt good. I had not laughed like that in a long time. I felt bad it was at the expense of another but it was exactly what I needed at the time.
Have you heard the saying "Laughter is the best medicine"? It's true. It can take a stressful moment and make the stress dissolve. Sadly I have learned to laugh at myself and life only after going through the pain of losing Ben. I look back on all the seriousness in my life and wonder what if---what if I would have reacted differently, what if I would have just laughed, what if I just didn't take myself so seriously. How different would my life be today. I will never know but for now I will be living my life laughing. Laughing at the mistakes I make, laughing at the stupid things I do or say. Laughing all the rest of my days.

In remembering your loved ones take time to laugh at something they said or did or something you recently experienced. Laugh till you cry if that's what it takes. Afterwards you will feel better for a little while. And a little while is better then not at all. Keri and I still talk about that day and remember it as the day we remembered how to laugh again.

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SEIZE THE DAY! YEAH, RIGHT!

Image by mindgutter via Flickr

You may have recently suffered a loss or it may have been awhile and you are moving through your grief. Either way,
you are grieving and life seems hard. It sucks right now and you don't see it getting better. It will get better, I promise, but for now, for today, for this weekend---SEIZE THE DAY! 


1.   GO OUTSIDE
2.   TAKE A WALK.
3.   MEDITATE/DAYDREAM
4.   LISTEN TO YOUR FAVORITE MUSIC.
5.   RELAX IN WATER---SHOWER, BATHTUB, HOT TUB OR POOL.
6.   GO THE THE LIBRARY/BOOKSTORE AND BROWSE.
7.   TAKE A DRIVE AND ENJOY THE FALL COLORS.
8.   HAVE LUNCH WITH A FRIEND.
9.   SURROUND YOURSELF WITH FAMILY.
10. LOSE YOURSELF IN A GREAT BOOK OR MOVIE.
11. VISIT A CHURCH/PRAY.
12. DANCE/SING/LIVE


The point is! Get up---Get out---Get going! Today is Friday. Take one day this weekend---
Friday or Saturday or Sunday and LIVE! Fake it if you have to but do it anyway.
Afterwards, let me know what you did. How did you feel? Do you think it helped?


If you have any ideas to add to the list please do so in the comments below.


We are all in this together. And together we will get through the challenges we face.
Peace and love to all---Annette


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My loss is bigger than YOUR loss!

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Can we compare our loss with someone else's? Some people I talk to seem to discount my loss and make theirs the focus. "How do you think I feel? You don't know what I went through? My life will never be the same!" All of those statements are true but different for each and every one of us. These are some of the things I have heard when speaking to others about losing my son. It saddens me to think that others have to make their loss seem more than mine. No matter what the loss is we all still suffered and there is no way to compare because each of us is different. One person I know made it seem like a popularity contest. She made me feel like she was saying "my loss was bigger than yours, "nananananana". And she did have a traumatic experience, I don't want to discount that, but what makes her think her loss was more than anyone elses'. What the heck is wrong with this picture?

Do we live in such a self absorbed world that we have to compare the tragedies in our lives to feel like we are something or someone? Is it right to make ourselves feel better by discounting another persons loss. Death is non comparable. IT IS a great equalizer. It changes us forever, and makes us different. And sadly, it links us.  To compare one loss to another is a sad way of making yourself feel better. When you are faced with a friend who does this, what do you do? How do you respond. I stopped talking, listened, and then made a mental note to not discuss my son with her again. The thing is, we are all unique, we all matter. And what happens to us is what makes us who we are. We are uncomparable, as is the things we go through, including death.

As I travel this journey of healing, I am becoming more compassionate and understanding. I am learning to listen more and talk less. I am learning to forgive myself and others.  And I will remain uncomparable for the rest of my life. How about you?

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Life's amazing journeys!

I took last week off from posting to just reflect on my life and the last four years without my son, Ben. It may not seem like it to some but my life has been an amazing journey. I have seen and done many things. I have had my share of challenges, successes and failures. But all in all so far it has been an OK life.

Today I read a story about a family that lost all three of their children. Two to suicide and one to a drug overdose. The story hinted at family problems as the cause and maybe that's true but a mother and father still lost three children. What comes to mind when I read or hear about things like this---It can always be worse! Yes! I have been challenged. Maybe by the greatest challenge a mom will ever face. But, it could always be worse.

My greatest accomplishment in life has been birthing two children. Two small human beings to nurture, teach, protect and let find their wings.  My son always needed reassurance that he would be OK, that he was a good boy, that I loved him. My daughter is strong willed and determined. She just knew all those things from a very young age. I knew she would succeed and I didn't worry as much about her. My son was another story. I worried about him constantly. Two children from the same parents and so different. My two stepson's are the same way. It's a mystery I will never understand and when I speak with other parents they experience the very same thing.

Some days I beat myself over the head wondering if I would just have given Ben more of what he needed would he have been better able to cope with the challenges he faced. He was smart. He had an incredible memory. He was kind and compassionate. And in spite of all these things he was tormented. He lived for 24 years with me as his mother and I feel privileged for such an honor. I will always be his mother and he will always be one of my most amazing accomplishments.

My daughter Keri is smart, beautiful, compassionate and kind. She is a treasure and sometimes I am amazed I am her mother. She has faced her challenges and moved forward choosing to see the glass half full instead of half empty. I see her now choosing happiness and working on living her best life. I could not ask for anything more for her. She is my second greatest accomplishment.

How often do we move through our days grudgingly. Looking at life as a challenge instead of a gift. I felt that way for almost three years while working through the suicide of my son and my own depression. If you are feeling that way just hold on, eventually it will pass. And someday you will be able to look back and see just how amazing your life is too.

Peace---Annette

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Has your faith been tested?

I believe we all are on our own path.
And that God has a plan, but for each of us it is different.
And how we intersect with each other is a part of God's plan.
I believe we all have a purpose.
And that losing our loved ones can bring us to a greater purpose.
And the sorrow, the joy, the pain and the love will lead us to that purpose.
And that God will guide us in finding our new purpose.
I believe...

This video moved me and I wanted to share it with all of you.   
Watch it and then tell me what you believe.

http://www.andiesisle.com/creation/magnificent.html

Peace---Annette

too busy to notice!

 Image via Wikipedia

As the anniversary of Ben's death comes close, I find myself so busy I don't know which way to turn. JB Dollar, my job that pays some of the bills has just introduced two new products and wow is it ever exciting. Hat's need to be sent out to three locations, listed on Etsy and E-bay. Orders for crochet items need to be made. Halloween jewelry and OMG the list goes on and on. I wonder If God is giving me all of this so I can focus on other things. Today on the way home from the craft store (looking for Halloween charms for the jewelry) I started thinking about Ben and how much he loved Halloween. I cried.  It was the one holiday his dad was into and we all enjoyed it together. I loved making his and Keri's costumes. My favorite was the year Keri was Tinker Bell and he was a pirate, AKA Captain Hook. Keri had a store bought costume but we made Ben's and it was cool. Another year he was a the hunchback of Notre Dame. Of course, when he was little he was Batman and Superman. Keri was bat girl one year. Never any clowns. We didn't like clowns. Even as an adult Ben was scared of clowns. Makes me laugh thinking about it but every time I see a clown it reminds me of him. And sometimes I laugh and cry at the same time.


I use to love fall. Now, I dread it's beginning because it reminds
me of that fateful day when we lost Ben. Four years, "doesn't it go by in a blink". That quote is from Anthony Hopkins character in the movie Meet Joe Black. As death is waiting for him at his 65th birthday he is speaking to the guests and closes with this---"65 years, doesn't it go by in a blink". I had watched that movie a few times before but recently when I heard him say that it made me think how precious little time we really do have. Life truly is fleeting.


As the fourth anniversary of Ben's death approaches I reflect on his short life. He touched many people in his 24 years. He was a good friend, son and brother. He would bend over backwards to help you if you were in need. Generous to a fault and loyal. Of course there were problems but this post is not about them. This is about my memories of fall and the fun times we spent planning a favorite celebration. How God is giving me so much to focus on right now that I am not dwelling on October first. And the fact that life is short, so we should remember to live each day to the fullest, become more than we ever thought we could be and love the ones closest to us with reckless abandon. 


Peace and Love,
Annette