I Survived Death!

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So I rarely post on this blog anymore. I survived the death of my son, I survived three hellish years of depression after the death of my son and now I can't bear to live it over again in words. Is that understandable? Have any of you felt the same way?

On Saturday it will be 5 years since my son died. Five years! At times is doesn't seem that long ago and then other times it seems like a lifetime ago. I miss his face, his smile, his sense of humor. I miss seeing him grow up into a man. I miss the things I think he could have accomplished, the things he could have been. I miss everything about him on a daily basis. Mostly I just miss being with him. Seeing him walk through the door. Eating dinner with him. Watching a movie with him. I miss seeing how he would have been with Andrew at 18 and Phillip at 16. I miss hearing him and Keri talk about their dad and their youth. I miss the life he could have had. I miss it all. And sometimes I want it back. I want to go back to that time before he died and I want to reach out to him and help him through his troubles. Depression, drugs, alcohol, it all affected him. And the end result was not something I willingly accept. But accept it I must and do daily.

So five years and I'm still standing. At times I didn't think I would be. I didn't know how I was going to make it through. With God's help and the help of my family I am here. Some days I'm hanging on by a thread but I am still here. Do you feel that way? Does it seem like life is never gonna start up again? Do you feel like you have had enough and your ready to leave along with your loved one? I did. I felt all those things and I lived to tell about it. I'm writing this today because I made it through. I survived a devastating loss. And you can too. Hang on to your memories, hang on to yourself, hang onto whatever you need to hang onto to make it through. You will make it through and life will resume. Life will never, ever be the same but you will be able to smile again, laugh again, live again. I am living proof that this is true. I am a survivor of death, suicide, life changing events. I promise if you can hold on, you will be able to start living again.

As always, love and peace to all. Thanks for reading and remember I am here to help so if you need help just ask and be sure to leave your comments below.
Annette

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Life's amazing journeys!

I took last week off from posting to just reflect on my life and the last four years without my son, Ben. It may not seem like it to some but my life has been an amazing journey. I have seen and done many things. I have had my share of challenges, successes and failures. But all in all so far it has been an OK life.

Today I read a story about a family that lost all three of their children. Two to suicide and one to a drug overdose. The story hinted at family problems as the cause and maybe that's true but a mother and father still lost three children. What comes to mind when I read or hear about things like this---It can always be worse! Yes! I have been challenged. Maybe by the greatest challenge a mom will ever face. But, it could always be worse.

My greatest accomplishment in life has been birthing two children. Two small human beings to nurture, teach, protect and let find their wings.  My son always needed reassurance that he would be OK, that he was a good boy, that I loved him. My daughter is strong willed and determined. She just knew all those things from a very young age. I knew she would succeed and I didn't worry as much about her. My son was another story. I worried about him constantly. Two children from the same parents and so different. My two stepson's are the same way. It's a mystery I will never understand and when I speak with other parents they experience the very same thing.

Some days I beat myself over the head wondering if I would just have given Ben more of what he needed would he have been better able to cope with the challenges he faced. He was smart. He had an incredible memory. He was kind and compassionate. And in spite of all these things he was tormented. He lived for 24 years with me as his mother and I feel privileged for such an honor. I will always be his mother and he will always be one of my most amazing accomplishments.

My daughter Keri is smart, beautiful, compassionate and kind. She is a treasure and sometimes I am amazed I am her mother. She has faced her challenges and moved forward choosing to see the glass half full instead of half empty. I see her now choosing happiness and working on living her best life. I could not ask for anything more for her. She is my second greatest accomplishment.

How often do we move through our days grudgingly. Looking at life as a challenge instead of a gift. I felt that way for almost three years while working through the suicide of my son and my own depression. If you are feeling that way just hold on, eventually it will pass. And someday you will be able to look back and see just how amazing your life is too.

Peace---Annette

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A little about me finding my New Normal

I don't really remember where I heard the phrase---A New Normal. I just remember thinking how am I ever going to feel normal again. I soon found out, the normal I once experienced would never again be a part of my life.

My life was forever changed on October 1, 2006. That was the day my son shot himself. He was 24 years old. He had been suffering from depression, a depression that started when he was 13, around the time his dad and I were divorced. Through his teens I took him to different doctors and psychologists. They spent time listening to him, put him on various medicines for the depression and said he was coming along. He took the medicine sporadically, told them what they wanted to hear and suffered silently in his mind. Until that fateful day when it all became to much and he found permanent relief the only way he knew how. He lost all hope, all hope that tomorrow would be a better day.

His last note to me was short---"This is my way. I love you mom". Not much more than that.

It was his way to find peace and it plunged me into my own private hell.
I went into my own depression that lasted three years and only recently have I been able to find my New Normal. With this blog I will be sharing more about my journey to find my new normal. 
Can I help you find your New Normal?

If you have been affected by the loss of a loved one, if you have seen your world come to a crashing halt because of death, if you have had a hard time relating to friends that have lost a loved one---then this blog might be what you need. Join me on a journey to a better understanding of grief, death and how you can survive the loss of a loved one.