Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I Survived Death!

Red sky at night, sailor's/shepherd's delight.Image via Wikipedia
So I rarely post on this blog anymore. I survived the death of my son, I survived three hellish years of depression after the death of my son and now I can't bear to live it over again in words. Is that understandable? Have any of you felt the same way?

On Saturday it will be 5 years since my son died. Five years! At times is doesn't seem that long ago and then other times it seems like a lifetime ago. I miss his face, his smile, his sense of humor. I miss seeing him grow up into a man. I miss the things I think he could have accomplished, the things he could have been. I miss everything about him on a daily basis. Mostly I just miss being with him. Seeing him walk through the door. Eating dinner with him. Watching a movie with him. I miss seeing how he would have been with Andrew at 18 and Phillip at 16. I miss hearing him and Keri talk about their dad and their youth. I miss the life he could have had. I miss it all. And sometimes I want it back. I want to go back to that time before he died and I want to reach out to him and help him through his troubles. Depression, drugs, alcohol, it all affected him. And the end result was not something I willingly accept. But accept it I must and do daily.

So five years and I'm still standing. At times I didn't think I would be. I didn't know how I was going to make it through. With God's help and the help of my family I am here. Some days I'm hanging on by a thread but I am still here. Do you feel that way? Does it seem like life is never gonna start up again? Do you feel like you have had enough and your ready to leave along with your loved one? I did. I felt all those things and I lived to tell about it. I'm writing this today because I made it through. I survived a devastating loss. And you can too. Hang on to your memories, hang on to yourself, hang onto whatever you need to hang onto to make it through. You will make it through and life will resume. Life will never, ever be the same but you will be able to smile again, laugh again, live again. I am living proof that this is true. I am a survivor of death, suicide, life changing events. I promise if you can hold on, you will be able to start living again.

As always, love and peace to all. Thanks for reading and remember I am here to help so if you need help just ask and be sure to leave your comments below.

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