Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Dear Santa, why can't I get what I want?

A Christmas market in Clifton Mill, Ohio, Unit...Image via Wikipedia
Last night I dreamt of Ben. He was younger and I was telling him that his cousin Dominic had died. He just went off crying. I don't know what that means. I was confused in the dream because he was older when Dom died and of course he was still alive. Sometimes I still feel like my life is in a state of confusion. I am much better than I was but there are times when I feel myself slipping back into the dark hole of depression. I know it's this time of year. When Ben and Keri were growing up I did everything I could to make Christmas special. I know they always thought it was a magical time. And I enjoyed it so much back then. This year I am just not feeling it. I can't seem to get in the mood and am just going through the motions. Baking cookies is next and I'm not looking forward to it.

Dear Santa, I'm missing Ben and this year I want a big bear hug from him. I didn't hug him enough and now I can't hug him at all. I want him back, I want to see how he is doing. I want to know his life is good and he is teaching college like he wanted. I want to sit and talk with him again and enjoy a glass of wine with him. I want to watch a movie with him. I want him back and I can't have what I want the most this Christmas. Instead, his ashes are in a box in my basement and I can't make a decision about what to do with them. I don't want it to be this way at all, I don't like it. I don't have a choice but I don't have to like it.

As we go through this holiday season, there will be memories, challenges and happiness. I will try to grab on to the happiness and hope it carries me through. Ben's stocking still hangs with the others, Inside are five little boxes. We each have one and every year we are suppose to write a note to him, telling him how we feel. As I look back on previous years I can see that I have progressed and that's good. But I still want him back and I don't like it one bit that he's not with me. I hope he's with my mom and grandma and there is some celebrating going on. I hope he comes around and let's me know he's here. I hope so many things and mostly I hope I can get through this holiday feeling good and OK that I am still here and he's not.

Happy holidays to all. My hope for all of us is that we can start 2011 better than we started 2010, that we can find joy and have good things coming our way, that we can remember our loved ones and know they are at peace.

Love & Peace,

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