Image via WikipediaWebster's describes grief as sadness, sorrow.
No one tells you that grief has no timeline. Understanding grief is not an easy thing unless you have experienced it yourself. It never goes completely away. Three years in and I still feel it on a daily basis. A part of my spark for life is gone and I'll never find it again. That's just how it is.
About a year after Ben died I remember telling my boss that I was starting to feel like myself again. I was getting motivated and feeling things turning around. All he said was "It's about time"! I hung up the phone thinking---It's about time, It's about time... I was so upset by those three little words. When he said that to me it made me mad. Madder than I had been in a long time. Who did he think he was? What right did he have to say that to me? Did he not know what I was going through? I sat on the couch the rest of the day. Just sat there watching mindless TV until it was time to go to bed. It's funny what words can do to us. He didn't motivate me or make me feel good about feeling better. He just pissed me off and it made me realize that I really wasn't getting better at all. Did he have a clue what I was going through? Of course he didn't, how could he. Life was moving at it's regular pace for him. I was stuck in a time warp.
Everything is so immediate in our culture. We expect people to just pick themselves up and move forward.
But death gives you a different perspective on life. Things that once mattered are not really important any more. For awhile just surviving is what's important. That's it, just making it to the next day. AA says it best with their phrase "One day at a time". I kept that ever present in my mind. The next time someone said to me "it's about time" I quietly said a prayer for them that they weren't standing in my shoes. And then I repeated to myself "One day at a time, one day at a time"...
Thanks to all my readers out there for joining me on this journey of healing. I realized this weekend that this is hard but it's good to be able to share with all of you. I'm moving forward. It's a slow process but it's happening. Remembering and feeling and getting it out of my mind and on a printed page is freeing.
Does that make sense to any of you? Has anyone experienced the same thing?
Peace and Luv to all,