Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Fountain of Time sculpture in Washington Park ...Image via Wikipedia
Webster's describes grief as sadness, sorrow.
No one tells you that grief has no timeline. Understanding grief is not an easy thing unless you have experienced it yourself. It never goes completely away. Three years in and I still feel it on a daily basis. A part of my spark for life is gone and I'll never find it again. That's just how it is.

About a year after Ben died I remember telling my boss that I was starting to feel like myself again. I was getting motivated and feeling things turning around. All he said was "It's about time"!  I hung up the phone thinking---It's about time, It's about time... I was so upset by those three little words. When he said that to me it made me mad. Madder than I had been in a long time. Who did he think he was? What right did he have to say that to me? Did he not know what I was going through? I sat on the couch the rest of the day. Just sat there watching mindless TV until it was time to go to bed. It's funny what words can do to us. He didn't motivate me or make me feel good about feeling better. He just pissed me off and it made me realize that I really wasn't getting better at all. Did he have a clue what I was going through? Of course he didn't, how could he. Life was moving at it's regular pace for him. I was stuck in a time warp. 

Everything is so immediate in our culture. We expect people to just pick themselves up and move forward.
But death gives you a different perspective on life. Things that once mattered are not really important any more. For awhile just surviving is what's important. That's it, just making it to the next day. AA says it best with their phrase "One day at a time". I kept that ever present in my mind. The next time someone said to me "it's about time" I quietly said a prayer for them that they weren't standing in my shoes. And then I repeated to myself  "One day at a time, one day at a time"...

Thanks to all my readers out there for joining me on this journey of healing. I realized this weekend that this is hard but it's good to be able to share with all of you. I'm moving forward. It's a slow process but it's happening. Remembering and feeling and getting it out of my mind and on a printed page is freeing.
Does that make sense to any of you? Has anyone experienced the same thing?

Peace and Luv to all,


  1. Hello Annette, I cant believe that your boss could be so insensitive. I would like to believe that he did not mean it that way and was just simply happy that you felt like yourself again. But I dont know him personallly so I would have been just as upset as your were. I am glad that you have Randy in your life to help your thru. You are a great Mom and did all that you could.....

    I would like to share about when my Dad died in Oct 2006- About a year after he died I was getting sad and depressed again and wondering why the rest of the family wasnt feeling the same way - why they were just moving on living life as if all were honky dory. I felt surrounded by black darkness and sadness and was angry that they were not in pain like I was. I could not understand why they were not feeling like I was. Thru time,time time time time, and my kids and hubby really needing me to come "back" and me coming to my own peace with my Dads death I came out of the darkness and hope to never go back. I keep his memory alive and thankfully my oldest child remembers him. I know my story is not exactly the same but my point is you will find your way..and your blog and writing and talking too others is the key to leading you to where you want to be and where your family needs you to be. Thank you for sharing
    You arein my prayers!You ROCK!

    Take Care

  2. Thanks Kathy for sharing with me. My boss really is super and I know deep down he was trying to be positive but I wasn't ready to accept that. I guess what I want everyone to know is to think about what you are saying before you say it and try to look at it from the other's perspective.

    I am out of the depression but it did last three years. I still have my days but usually can snap out of it quickly. Which is a blessing. Your in my prayers too... God bless you and your wonderful family.

  3. Ha, words are so very powerful - I'm sure he meant he's glad you are healing!

    I had similar feelings for those that told me that my Dad had a long life....ok, yes he was 85 but as I said at the service I was counting on him making it to 120! Simple words - tied to easy misunderstanding and pain.

  4. Debby first of all let me tell you how sorry I am to hear that you lost your dad. You are so right about words. It doesn't matter how old the person is when we lose them. When we experience that loss it creates a void that nothing else can fill. Hang in there and remember your dad lives in your memories of him.
    Love & Peace


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