Has your faith been tested?

I believe we all are on our own path.
And that God has a plan, but for each of us it is different.
And how we intersect with each other is a part of God's plan.
I believe we all have a purpose.
And that losing our loved ones can bring us to a greater purpose.
And the sorrow, the joy, the pain and the love will lead us to that purpose.
And that God will guide us in finding our new purpose.
I believe...

This video moved me and I wanted to share it with all of you.   
Watch it and then tell me what you believe.

http://www.andiesisle.com/creation/magnificent.html

Peace---Annette

too busy to notice!

 Image via Wikipedia

As the anniversary of Ben's death comes close, I find myself so busy I don't know which way to turn. JB Dollar, my job that pays some of the bills has just introduced two new products and wow is it ever exciting. Hat's need to be sent out to three locations, listed on Etsy and E-bay. Orders for crochet items need to be made. Halloween jewelry and OMG the list goes on and on. I wonder If God is giving me all of this so I can focus on other things. Today on the way home from the craft store (looking for Halloween charms for the jewelry) I started thinking about Ben and how much he loved Halloween. I cried.  It was the one holiday his dad was into and we all enjoyed it together. I loved making his and Keri's costumes. My favorite was the year Keri was Tinker Bell and he was a pirate, AKA Captain Hook. Keri had a store bought costume but we made Ben's and it was cool. Another year he was a the hunchback of Notre Dame. Of course, when he was little he was Batman and Superman. Keri was bat girl one year. Never any clowns. We didn't like clowns. Even as an adult Ben was scared of clowns. Makes me laugh thinking about it but every time I see a clown it reminds me of him. And sometimes I laugh and cry at the same time.


I use to love fall. Now, I dread it's beginning because it reminds
me of that fateful day when we lost Ben. Four years, "doesn't it go by in a blink". That quote is from Anthony Hopkins character in the movie Meet Joe Black. As death is waiting for him at his 65th birthday he is speaking to the guests and closes with this---"65 years, doesn't it go by in a blink". I had watched that movie a few times before but recently when I heard him say that it made me think how precious little time we really do have. Life truly is fleeting.


As the fourth anniversary of Ben's death approaches I reflect on his short life. He touched many people in his 24 years. He was a good friend, son and brother. He would bend over backwards to help you if you were in need. Generous to a fault and loyal. Of course there were problems but this post is not about them. This is about my memories of fall and the fun times we spent planning a favorite celebration. How God is giving me so much to focus on right now that I am not dwelling on October first. And the fact that life is short, so we should remember to live each day to the fullest, become more than we ever thought we could be and love the ones closest to us with reckless abandon. 


Peace and Love,
Annette

Have you thought of me lately?

Image by evoo73 via Flickr

One of my biggest fears is that I will forget my son! People fade when you don't see them and as we all know our memories are what keep them alive. My family very seldom speaks to me about Ben. I think they are afraid to bring up his name. I don't even know how often they think about him. After four years you would think it would be easier to talk about him but I guess it's not. I love hearing stories from his friends about things they experienced with him. It lets me know he was really here. When I feel him fading away I picture him in a good situation. The last time I saw him we went out to dinner and he was funny and stressed all at the same time. I hate that that is the last time I saw him. He hugged me when we parted and I hated leaving him two hours away from home. I wanted him to be young again and with no worries. I knew he had to grow up and for the time being it was better this way but I still didn't like it. Less than a month later he was gone.

Now the only thing left is the memories. October first is the day Ben died. Every year I think we should do something to remember him on that day but it usually passes as just another day. I would rather remember his birthday, it was a much happier occasion. We still hang his stocking up at Christmas and probably always will. I write notes to him and put them inside. It's a small gesture but it makes me feel a little ok that he isn't there.

How do you remember your loved ones? Do you do special things on their birthdays, Christmas or the day they died? Share with us how you remember your loved ones so maybe we can find a better way to remember ours.

A little about me finding my New Normal

I don't really remember where I heard the phrase---A New Normal. I just remember thinking how am I ever going to feel normal again. I soon found out, the normal I once experienced would never again be a part of my life.

My life was forever changed on October 1, 2006. That was the day my son shot himself. He was 24 years old. He had been suffering from depression, a depression that started when he was 13, around the time his dad and I were divorced. Through his teens I took him to different doctors and psychologists. They spent time listening to him, put him on various medicines for the depression and said he was coming along. He took the medicine sporadically, told them what they wanted to hear and suffered silently in his mind. Until that fateful day when it all became to much and he found permanent relief the only way he knew how. He lost all hope, all hope that tomorrow would be a better day.

His last note to me was short---"This is my way. I love you mom". Not much more than that.

It was his way to find peace and it plunged me into my own private hell.
I went into my own depression that lasted three years and only recently have I been able to find my New Normal. With this blog I will be sharing more about my journey to find my new normal. 
Can I help you find your New Normal?

If you have been affected by the loss of a loved one, if you have seen your world come to a crashing halt because of death, if you have had a hard time relating to friends that have lost a loved one---then this blog might be what you need. Join me on a journey to a better understanding of grief, death and how you can survive the loss of a loved one.