Have you thought of me lately?

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One of my biggest fears is that I will forget my son! People fade when you don't see them and as we all know our memories are what keep them alive. My family very seldom speaks to me about Ben. I think they are afraid to bring up his name. I don't even know how often they think about him. After four years you would think it would be easier to talk about him but I guess it's not. I love hearing stories from his friends about things they experienced with him. It lets me know he was really here. When I feel him fading away I picture him in a good situation. The last time I saw him we went out to dinner and he was funny and stressed all at the same time. I hate that that is the last time I saw him. He hugged me when we parted and I hated leaving him two hours away from home. I wanted him to be young again and with no worries. I knew he had to grow up and for the time being it was better this way but I still didn't like it. Less than a month later he was gone.

Now the only thing left is the memories. October first is the day Ben died. Every year I think we should do something to remember him on that day but it usually passes as just another day. I would rather remember his birthday, it was a much happier occasion. We still hang his stocking up at Christmas and probably always will. I write notes to him and put them inside. It's a small gesture but it makes me feel a little ok that he isn't there.

How do you remember your loved ones? Do you do special things on their birthdays, Christmas or the day they died? Share with us how you remember your loved ones so maybe we can find a better way to remember ours.

Fear of the Unknown!

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Like all new things we have a natural fear of the unknown. My stepson Phillip started his freshman year of high school today. Tomorrow his brother Andrew starts his senior year. Both are fearful of what is to come. Phillip because he is at a new larger school and Andrew because this is it, his last year then it is on to the real world as he calls it. But for both boys it is a new beginning. So maybe we should look at death that way. As a new beginning in the spiritual world. I was taught at a very young age that our souls live on. I would like to believe this is true. There are countless experiences of people being contacted by dead relatives. I had an experience with this when my cousin Mary's son Dominic died at the age of 26. We were all very upset by this because he was so young and we didn't even know he was sick. He had flu like symptoms for a few weeks and it turned out he had lymphoma. One day in the hospital and he was gone. The youngest loss ever experienced in our family. That afternoon I was crying and overwhelmed with grief when I sat down on my garage steps, it was around 3 pm. My mind wandered to another place. I saw Dominic peeking his head around a corner, my mom and grandma were there and looked shocked to see him. Then my mom said something like " Dominic! we didn't know it would be you, come on come on". Now you may be thinking "the mind gives us what we think we need". But there is more to this story. Shortly after my vision I called my cousin Debbie and told her about what I had seen. She asked me what time it was when this happened. I told her about 3 pm and she said: "I saw the same thing at the same time". Still gives me chills to this day and that was 11 years ago. Some call it coincidence but it's too real for me to discard that easily. After Ben died he came to my dad in a dream. He was young and had a big grin on his face. Makes me think he is happy wherever he is. It also gives me a sense of peace towards my own death. I know in my heart that he will be there to greet me when it is my time to leave my body behind. Maybe that's part of why I am not afraid of death.


I read a lot of books after Ben died. Many things stood out, but one in particular. I think it was from James Van Praagh, (I read so many it is hard to keep track of who said what). He said something like this: our loved ones spirits are all around us but they can't let us know, because if we knew then we would want to spend all our time with them and it's our job right now to spend our time living.

I would like to know what everyone thinks. Have any of you had similar experiences to mine? Forget the experts, let's share our feelings and experiences. Maybe together we can take some of the fear out of dying and learn to live our best life now.