Tuesday, October 19, 2010

My loss is bigger than YOUR loss!

Apples & Oranges - They Don't CompareImage by TheBusyBrain via Flickr
Can we compare our loss with someone else's? Some people I talk to seem to discount my loss and make theirs the focus. "How do you think I feel? You don't know what I went through? My life will never be the same!" All of those statements are true but different for each and every one of us. These are some of the things I have heard when speaking to others about losing my son. It saddens me to think that others have to make their loss seem more than mine. No matter what the loss is we all still suffered and there is no way to compare because each of us is different. One person I know made it seem like a popularity contest. She made me feel like she was saying "my loss was bigger than yours, "nananananana". And she did have a traumatic experience, I don't want to discount that, but what makes her think her loss was more than anyone elses'. What the heck is wrong with this picture?

Do we live in such a self absorbed world that we have to compare the tragedies in our lives to feel like we are something or someone? Is it right to make ourselves feel better by discounting another persons loss. Death is non comparable. IT IS a great equalizer. It changes us forever, and makes us different. And sadly, it links us.  To compare one loss to another is a sad way of making yourself feel better. When you are faced with a friend who does this, what do you do? How do you respond. I stopped talking, listened, and then made a mental note to not discuss my son with her again. The thing is, we are all unique, we all matter. And what happens to us is what makes us who we are. We are uncomparable, as is the things we go through, including death.

As I travel this journey of healing, I am becoming more compassionate and understanding. I am learning to listen more and talk less. I am learning to forgive myself and others.  And I will remain uncomparable for the rest of my life. How about you?

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