Thoughts on surviving the loss of a loved one and how I survived and learned to live again after the suicide of my son.
Friday, May 25, 2012
A loss of any kind just plain sucks!
Last week I lost my cat Chatter. I know what your thinking, "it was a cat". But like most people's pets Chatter was more than a cat. He was my friend, my buddy. He was a connection to Ben. He was born to Matty. She was a cat that Keri talked me into taking after our neighbors said they could no longer keep her. She roamed the neighborhood and was a really nice cat. And little did I know she was pregnant. A few weeks later out come three little kitties. All three were different. One was white with black spots which we named "Moo" cause she looked like a cow. Then there was the common tabby who Keri while painting her nails came up with the name "Pinky". The third was a little different, part main coon and part tabby but real furry like a main coon. I knew from the start we would be keeping him. He was sweet right from the beginning. He couldn't meow and you could not hear him purr. His meow sounded like a caw and you only knew he was purring when you held him close and felt it. His name didn't come to us easy. We tried for days to think of a good name. One day Ben was standing at the kitchen table (I have no idea why I remember that) and he said he had the perfect name. He said "we should name him Chatter cause he can't meow". As soon as he said Chatter I knew we had his name. Now I know it's stupid to feel this as a connection to Ben, but I do. I feel like I lost something when Chatter died. Another connection to something Ben and I shared together. We all loved that cat and he loved us right back. We talked to him like a person. One of my last memories of Ben is him walking in the door and looking down at Chatter and saying "hi Chat, how you doing?" And of course Chatter cawed back at him as if to answer. I love those memories. I need them to survive. Chatter died in my arms after 15 years of unconditional love. I still look for him when I come home from work. I wait for him to come running to me. I wonder when I will get it and stop looking. But then it's been almost six years and I still look for signs from Ben. Losing someone---we never get over it, it never goes away, we just get use to it. It's not time that makes it easier, it's our magnificent brains that take over and help us cope. And then there is hope, the hope for a better tomorrow, a better future and a chance to again meet up with the people (and animals) we love.
Love & Peace---Annette
P.S. Thanks to Linda at www.talktherapybiz.com. Today she got me thinking about hope. Check out her blog, it's a good one.
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