Sunday, May 1, 2011


Shock! Numbness! It's what you feel after you hear that your son, your daughter, your partner, husband, friend, relative has died. Most times the shock fades away quickly but when it is a close family member it can last awhile. Our brains are amazing machines. I think our brains take over in times like this and they protect us from the reality of what we are actually facing. When Ben died I immediately went into shock. I was doing everything I had to do-Talking to friends and relatives, planning his memorial and any other things I could think of that needed to be done. I did them all and I don't remember much of it. I remember not feeling, not wanting to feel. It took a long time for the shock to wear off. I guess looking back now I should be glad that my brain stepped in when I was not able to function. It was like being on autopilot. You do what you are suppose to be doing and all the while you don't even realize you are doing it. I was hurt by my son's suicide. I felt guilty that I could not protect him from the demons he had fought for so many years. I will always feel that I should have done more. But I didn't know how to help him and he always snowed the doctors and me into thinking he was fine. I always felt I would lose him early on in life. So when it happened, when he died, I dealt with the shock of knowing, knowing that this was what I had known would happen all along and I still didn't stop it. How could I his only mother not stop the hurt, not save him from himself. If I told you I was up all night the night before he died and I knew something was wrong, would you believe me. I was and still I didn't know what to do.  I knew something was wrong and still I did nothing. And as I type this "Imagine" by John Lennon comes on Pandora. I used quotes from "Imagine" at Ben's memorial service. He loved the Beatles and he had a very peaceful soul. I felt this song was ever appropriate for him. He wanted only to be loved and accepted. He was a gentle giant fighting demons daily. Shock, shock of him dying, shock that I knew that someday it would happen and now it did. Shock kept me almost sane in a most insane time. Shock kept me busy. Shock saved my life because without it I would have withered and died right along with Ben.
So when you brain puts your mind and body into shock all you can do is go with it. Let the brain take over because it is saving you from a reality that you can't handle. We all have challenges. We experience many things through our lives. We are lucky to have these amazing brains to protect us in our time of need. It seems God created our brains with a "what if" in mind. What if this happens or that happens, will this brain be able to take care of it's owner? And most of the time it does, it saves us from ourselves, it protects us in times of need. God's work is a mystery but an amazing one indeed.

Love & Peace

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