Five years is a long time to mourn!

I will always mourn the death of my son. That is a fact of life for me now. People say it gets easier with time but that is not really true. I think we just get use to losing our loved ones and that makes us able to move forward.

Recently I have been thinking of taking this blog in a different direction. I will still be here to help others through their grief but in a positive way, sharing stories, thoughts and ideas on how to move forward after the mourning eases.

If you have any ideas on things you would like to hear from me let me know in the comments below.

Onward we go, together.

Peace---Annette

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I Survived Death!

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So I rarely post on this blog anymore. I survived the death of my son, I survived three hellish years of depression after the death of my son and now I can't bear to live it over again in words. Is that understandable? Have any of you felt the same way?

On Saturday it will be 5 years since my son died. Five years! At times is doesn't seem that long ago and then other times it seems like a lifetime ago. I miss his face, his smile, his sense of humor. I miss seeing him grow up into a man. I miss the things I think he could have accomplished, the things he could have been. I miss everything about him on a daily basis. Mostly I just miss being with him. Seeing him walk through the door. Eating dinner with him. Watching a movie with him. I miss seeing how he would have been with Andrew at 18 and Phillip at 16. I miss hearing him and Keri talk about their dad and their youth. I miss the life he could have had. I miss it all. And sometimes I want it back. I want to go back to that time before he died and I want to reach out to him and help him through his troubles. Depression, drugs, alcohol, it all affected him. And the end result was not something I willingly accept. But accept it I must and do daily.

So five years and I'm still standing. At times I didn't think I would be. I didn't know how I was going to make it through. With God's help and the help of my family I am here. Some days I'm hanging on by a thread but I am still here. Do you feel that way? Does it seem like life is never gonna start up again? Do you feel like you have had enough and your ready to leave along with your loved one? I did. I felt all those things and I lived to tell about it. I'm writing this today because I made it through. I survived a devastating loss. And you can too. Hang on to your memories, hang on to yourself, hang onto whatever you need to hang onto to make it through. You will make it through and life will resume. Life will never, ever be the same but you will be able to smile again, laugh again, live again. I am living proof that this is true. I am a survivor of death, suicide, life changing events. I promise if you can hold on, you will be able to start living again.

As always, love and peace to all. Thanks for reading and remember I am here to help so if you need help just ask and be sure to leave your comments below.
Annette

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WHAT! YOU WANT ME TO WRITE MY OWN OBITUARY?

Did you ever think about your obituary? No really, did you? How will people remember you? How do you want them to remember you? I read the obits. Really I just skim them, checking to see if anyone we know has died. We have a lot of clients so I like to send a card if they experience a loss just to let them know we care. Years ago I went to calling hours when one of my clients lost his mother and they never forgot it. I know this is true because it was quite a few years later when Ben died and the first thing I received was a peace plant from them. I still have it and I think of them every time I water it.

Sometimes a certain obit will catch my eye and I read it all the way through. Like today when I was drawn to the obit of a 95 year old man. During the last days of his life he told his family to not be sad for him because he lived a good life. He also told them that they should always remember to be good to each other. At the bottom of the obit was a poem, a tribute written by a family member. Telling of his life and now his death. He was loved! You could tell by the words in his obit. He was truly a wonderful man. When I read something so wonderful I think about writing my own obit. What would I say about my life? How would I like to be remembered? Some of you might be thinking what a morbid thing to do. I like to  think of it as a guideline on how I live my life in the here and now. For me it's not morbid at all because I have experienced death from an early age. I was 3 or 4 when my Aunt Margaret came to live with us in her last days of dying of cancer. She died shortly after, right in the spare bedroom of our house. I remember them burning the mattress afterwards. It was the sixties and we really didn't know much about cancer at that time, just that it was a definite death sentence. At the age of six my father's mom, my grandmother Ann died. After that there were older relatives, friends of the family, and many many more. Eventually we moved in with my grandmother Carrie. It was the same house my mother was raised in. We lived in the Italian section of town where everyone knew everyone by their first name. We were personal friends with the local funeral director and the funeral home was only one block from our home. It seemed like we were always going to calling hours for someone. You might be thinking "what does this have to do with writing your own obit"? I think that those of us who have experienced death for most of our lives have a different perspective on it and writing your own obit does not have to be a depressing, grim, horrible thing. We write in journals and diaries about our  lives and loves. Why not think of it as writing your future?

Write a story of how you want people to remember you. No one has to see it, you don't have to share it with anyone. Think of it as a guide for living your best life now. Do you want to be remembered as the person who was successful in his/her work? Or maybe a kind generous soul who always took the time to help a friend? Or the grampa everyone would want to have? An employee who always did his best and was willing to go the extra mile to make his company better? The best father, mother, friend, uncle, aunt, brother, sister, cousin etc...anyone could ask for? What is most important to you? What would you write? There is no right or wrong. How you are remembered is up to you in the here and now. So will you do it? Will you set a plan in motion for your life? Will you write a tribute to you and live your life fulfilling it? Just think how better your life would be or could be if you lived the way you hope to be remembered.

No matter where you are in life or how old you are, it's never to late to rewrite your destiny. Your words, your obit will help you to define what is most important to you in this life. Try it. You might just surprise yourself and realize what you thought was important to you is something totally different than what really is.

What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Love & Peace,
Annette

P.S. You might be wondering, "Why the link to Serendipity"? In Serendipity Jeremy Piven's character writes an obit for John Cusack's character who is still living. A great movie about destiny and worth watching. Enjoy!

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I AM DEATH AND I WILL SHOCK YOU TO YOUR CORE

Shock! Numbness! It's what you feel after you hear that your son, your daughter, your partner, husband, friend, relative has died. Most times the shock fades away quickly but when it is a close family member it can last awhile. Our brains are amazing machines. I think our brains take over in times like this and they protect us from the reality of what we are actually facing. When Ben died I immediately went into shock. I was doing everything I had to do-Talking to friends and relatives, planning his memorial and any other things I could think of that needed to be done. I did them all and I don't remember much of it. I remember not feeling, not wanting to feel. It took a long time for the shock to wear off. I guess looking back now I should be glad that my brain stepped in when I was not able to function. It was like being on autopilot. You do what you are suppose to be doing and all the while you don't even realize you are doing it. I was hurt by my son's suicide. I felt guilty that I could not protect him from the demons he had fought for so many years. I will always feel that I should have done more. But I didn't know how to help him and he always snowed the doctors and me into thinking he was fine. I always felt I would lose him early on in life. So when it happened, when he died, I dealt with the shock of knowing, knowing that this was what I had known would happen all along and I still didn't stop it. How could I his only mother not stop the hurt, not save him from himself. If I told you I was up all night the night before he died and I knew something was wrong, would you believe me. I was and still I didn't know what to do.  I knew something was wrong and still I did nothing. And as I type this "Imagine" by John Lennon comes on Pandora. I used quotes from "Imagine" at Ben's memorial service. He loved the Beatles and he had a very peaceful soul. I felt this song was ever appropriate for him. He wanted only to be loved and accepted. He was a gentle giant fighting demons daily. Shock, shock of him dying, shock that I knew that someday it would happen and now it did. Shock kept me almost sane in a most insane time. Shock kept me busy. Shock saved my life because without it I would have withered and died right along with Ben.
So when you brain puts your mind and body into shock all you can do is go with it. Let the brain take over because it is saving you from a reality that you can't handle. We all have challenges. We experience many things through our lives. We are lucky to have these amazing brains to protect us in our time of need. It seems God created our brains with a "what if" in mind. What if this happens or that happens, will this brain be able to take care of it's owner? And most of the time it does, it saves us from ourselves, it protects us in times of need. God's work is a mystery but an amazing one indeed.

Love & Peace
Annette

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Dear Santa, why can't I get what I want?

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Last night I dreamt of Ben. He was younger and I was telling him that his cousin Dominic had died. He just went off crying. I don't know what that means. I was confused in the dream because he was older when Dom died and of course he was still alive. Sometimes I still feel like my life is in a state of confusion. I am much better than I was but there are times when I feel myself slipping back into the dark hole of depression. I know it's this time of year. When Ben and Keri were growing up I did everything I could to make Christmas special. I know they always thought it was a magical time. And I enjoyed it so much back then. This year I am just not feeling it. I can't seem to get in the mood and am just going through the motions. Baking cookies is next and I'm not looking forward to it.

Dear Santa, I'm missing Ben and this year I want a big bear hug from him. I didn't hug him enough and now I can't hug him at all. I want him back, I want to see how he is doing. I want to know his life is good and he is teaching college like he wanted. I want to sit and talk with him again and enjoy a glass of wine with him. I want to watch a movie with him. I want him back and I can't have what I want the most this Christmas. Instead, his ashes are in a box in my basement and I can't make a decision about what to do with them. I don't want it to be this way at all, I don't like it. I don't have a choice but I don't have to like it.

As we go through this holiday season, there will be memories, challenges and happiness. I will try to grab on to the happiness and hope it carries me through. Ben's stocking still hangs with the others, Inside are five little boxes. We each have one and every year we are suppose to write a note to him, telling him how we feel. As I look back on previous years I can see that I have progressed and that's good. But I still want him back and I don't like it one bit that he's not with me. I hope he's with my mom and grandma and there is some celebrating going on. I hope he comes around and let's me know he's here. I hope so many things and mostly I hope I can get through this holiday feeling good and OK that I am still here and he's not.

Happy holidays to all. My hope for all of us is that we can start 2011 better than we started 2010, that we can find joy and have good things coming our way, that we can remember our loved ones and know they are at peace.

Love & Peace,
Annette

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Hey God, where are you, are you listening?

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Do you sometime ask God where he is, is he listening? When you lose someone close to you it is very easy to also lose your faith. LIFE IS HARD! Really it is. It's not a picnic for alot of us. I often wonder how some people get so lucky to never have anything challenging happen to them. How does that happen? They go through life and things just seem to fall into place just right. I know everything is not always as it seems but for the most part there are some people out there that have it all together. Life is one big party with good things all around. I guess being through the ringer has it's advantages. Like the fact that not much shocks me anymore. Stuff happens and I just go with the flow. I hardly ever get angry. I accept the things that come my way. Hoping and praying that I can make it through the challenges and have the strength to handle them. Yes, I'm jaded, I'm hardened and I am sometimes untouchable. But I am still human. In spite of  it all I am surviving. A survivor. A warrior in the face of adversity.

I wonder about the survivors of 9/11. I wonder how they go on each day after the horror that they experienced. The loss was so great, so unfair, so sudden. How do they do it? I wonder about our Amish friend whose brother lost three small children last year in a buggy accident. He along with his whole family are having a hard time, and of course that is to be expected.. He and his wife are expecting another child in a few weeks. David, his brother hopes it will help a little. A new child will not make up for the loss of the others but maybe it's God's way of helping them cope with the loss. I wonder about the man who hit the buggy and took the life of three innocent children. How does he get through the day? I can't even imagine what he must go through. 

When you ask God where he is, know that he is everywhere. He is with us daily and that is how we make it through. When bad things happen I always remember "It can always be worse"! And then I say a prayer for others who are going through a tough time. I ask God to watch over anyone in need right now. He knows who they are. I kept my faith through it all and never asked why me? I just kept going. That's what we have to do---just keep going! 

It's up to you who you believe in. I choose to believe in a higher power and call him God. I believe in faith and the power of prayer. I have seen it working in my life more than once. How about you? Has God touched your life lately?  Has your faith helped you through a tough time? Share your thoughts with me in the comments below. And remember, you are not alone. We will get through this together.

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LAUGHING TILL I CRIED!

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Did you go, are you going or are you gonna go to bereavement classes? My daughter Keri and I went. It was good, not great but good. I still use a few of the things we learned. It was interesting to hear others loved ones stories. There were a few funny parts.  Like when we brought mementos of our loved ones to share---pictures, stuffed animals, medals, awards, ashes...yes I did say ashes. It was OK that one person brought her loved ones ashes. They were in a very nice urn. With all the misery we were going through I have to say this made me giggle. Well, Keri would say I downright laughed till I cried but I hate to admit that. After all she was just sharing her memories and her loved one. OK Keri, you know you were laughing too and  I admit it! I did laugh till I cried but you know what? It felt good. I had not laughed like that in a long time. I felt bad it was at the expense of another but it was exactly what I needed at the time.
Have you heard the saying "Laughter is the best medicine"? It's true. It can take a stressful moment and make the stress dissolve. Sadly I have learned to laugh at myself and life only after going through the pain of losing Ben. I look back on all the seriousness in my life and wonder what if---what if I would have reacted differently, what if I would have just laughed, what if I just didn't take myself so seriously. How different would my life be today. I will never know but for now I will be living my life laughing. Laughing at the mistakes I make, laughing at the stupid things I do or say. Laughing all the rest of my days.

In remembering your loved ones take time to laugh at something they said or did or something you recently experienced. Laugh till you cry if that's what it takes. Afterwards you will feel better for a little while. And a little while is better then not at all. Keri and I still talk about that day and remember it as the day we remembered how to laugh again.

If you want to join me on this journey just scroll over to the right and subscribe to my blog. If you know someone who might need help dealing with their grief please share my blog with them.