I Survived Death!

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So I rarely post on this blog anymore. I survived the death of my son, I survived three hellish years of depression after the death of my son and now I can't bear to live it over again in words. Is that understandable? Have any of you felt the same way?

On Saturday it will be 5 years since my son died. Five years! At times is doesn't seem that long ago and then other times it seems like a lifetime ago. I miss his face, his smile, his sense of humor. I miss seeing him grow up into a man. I miss the things I think he could have accomplished, the things he could have been. I miss everything about him on a daily basis. Mostly I just miss being with him. Seeing him walk through the door. Eating dinner with him. Watching a movie with him. I miss seeing how he would have been with Andrew at 18 and Phillip at 16. I miss hearing him and Keri talk about their dad and their youth. I miss the life he could have had. I miss it all. And sometimes I want it back. I want to go back to that time before he died and I want to reach out to him and help him through his troubles. Depression, drugs, alcohol, it all affected him. And the end result was not something I willingly accept. But accept it I must and do daily.

So five years and I'm still standing. At times I didn't think I would be. I didn't know how I was going to make it through. With God's help and the help of my family I am here. Some days I'm hanging on by a thread but I am still here. Do you feel that way? Does it seem like life is never gonna start up again? Do you feel like you have had enough and your ready to leave along with your loved one? I did. I felt all those things and I lived to tell about it. I'm writing this today because I made it through. I survived a devastating loss. And you can too. Hang on to your memories, hang on to yourself, hang onto whatever you need to hang onto to make it through. You will make it through and life will resume. Life will never, ever be the same but you will be able to smile again, laugh again, live again. I am living proof that this is true. I am a survivor of death, suicide, life changing events. I promise if you can hold on, you will be able to start living again.

As always, love and peace to all. Thanks for reading and remember I am here to help so if you need help just ask and be sure to leave your comments below.
Annette

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Hey God, where are you, are you listening?

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Do you sometime ask God where he is, is he listening? When you lose someone close to you it is very easy to also lose your faith. LIFE IS HARD! Really it is. It's not a picnic for alot of us. I often wonder how some people get so lucky to never have anything challenging happen to them. How does that happen? They go through life and things just seem to fall into place just right. I know everything is not always as it seems but for the most part there are some people out there that have it all together. Life is one big party with good things all around. I guess being through the ringer has it's advantages. Like the fact that not much shocks me anymore. Stuff happens and I just go with the flow. I hardly ever get angry. I accept the things that come my way. Hoping and praying that I can make it through the challenges and have the strength to handle them. Yes, I'm jaded, I'm hardened and I am sometimes untouchable. But I am still human. In spite of  it all I am surviving. A survivor. A warrior in the face of adversity.

I wonder about the survivors of 9/11. I wonder how they go on each day after the horror that they experienced. The loss was so great, so unfair, so sudden. How do they do it? I wonder about our Amish friend whose brother lost three small children last year in a buggy accident. He along with his whole family are having a hard time, and of course that is to be expected.. He and his wife are expecting another child in a few weeks. David, his brother hopes it will help a little. A new child will not make up for the loss of the others but maybe it's God's way of helping them cope with the loss. I wonder about the man who hit the buggy and took the life of three innocent children. How does he get through the day? I can't even imagine what he must go through. 

When you ask God where he is, know that he is everywhere. He is with us daily and that is how we make it through. When bad things happen I always remember "It can always be worse"! And then I say a prayer for others who are going through a tough time. I ask God to watch over anyone in need right now. He knows who they are. I kept my faith through it all and never asked why me? I just kept going. That's what we have to do---just keep going! 

It's up to you who you believe in. I choose to believe in a higher power and call him God. I believe in faith and the power of prayer. I have seen it working in my life more than once. How about you? Has God touched your life lately?  Has your faith helped you through a tough time? Share your thoughts with me in the comments below. And remember, you are not alone. We will get through this together.

If you want to join me on this journey just scroll over to the right and subscribe to my blog. If you know someone who might need help dealing with their grief please share my blog with them.

LAUGHING TILL I CRIED!

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Did you go, are you going or are you gonna go to bereavement classes? My daughter Keri and I went. It was good, not great but good. I still use a few of the things we learned. It was interesting to hear others loved ones stories. There were a few funny parts.  Like when we brought mementos of our loved ones to share---pictures, stuffed animals, medals, awards, ashes...yes I did say ashes. It was OK that one person brought her loved ones ashes. They were in a very nice urn. With all the misery we were going through I have to say this made me giggle. Well, Keri would say I downright laughed till I cried but I hate to admit that. After all she was just sharing her memories and her loved one. OK Keri, you know you were laughing too and  I admit it! I did laugh till I cried but you know what? It felt good. I had not laughed like that in a long time. I felt bad it was at the expense of another but it was exactly what I needed at the time.
Have you heard the saying "Laughter is the best medicine"? It's true. It can take a stressful moment and make the stress dissolve. Sadly I have learned to laugh at myself and life only after going through the pain of losing Ben. I look back on all the seriousness in my life and wonder what if---what if I would have reacted differently, what if I would have just laughed, what if I just didn't take myself so seriously. How different would my life be today. I will never know but for now I will be living my life laughing. Laughing at the mistakes I make, laughing at the stupid things I do or say. Laughing all the rest of my days.

In remembering your loved ones take time to laugh at something they said or did or something you recently experienced. Laugh till you cry if that's what it takes. Afterwards you will feel better for a little while. And a little while is better then not at all. Keri and I still talk about that day and remember it as the day we remembered how to laugh again.

If you want to join me on this journey just scroll over to the right and subscribe to my blog. If you know someone who might need help dealing with their grief please share my blog with them.

My loss is bigger than YOUR loss!

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Can we compare our loss with someone else's? Some people I talk to seem to discount my loss and make theirs the focus. "How do you think I feel? You don't know what I went through? My life will never be the same!" All of those statements are true but different for each and every one of us. These are some of the things I have heard when speaking to others about losing my son. It saddens me to think that others have to make their loss seem more than mine. No matter what the loss is we all still suffered and there is no way to compare because each of us is different. One person I know made it seem like a popularity contest. She made me feel like she was saying "my loss was bigger than yours, "nananananana". And she did have a traumatic experience, I don't want to discount that, but what makes her think her loss was more than anyone elses'. What the heck is wrong with this picture?

Do we live in such a self absorbed world that we have to compare the tragedies in our lives to feel like we are something or someone? Is it right to make ourselves feel better by discounting another persons loss. Death is non comparable. IT IS a great equalizer. It changes us forever, and makes us different. And sadly, it links us.  To compare one loss to another is a sad way of making yourself feel better. When you are faced with a friend who does this, what do you do? How do you respond. I stopped talking, listened, and then made a mental note to not discuss my son with her again. The thing is, we are all unique, we all matter. And what happens to us is what makes us who we are. We are uncomparable, as is the things we go through, including death.

As I travel this journey of healing, I am becoming more compassionate and understanding. I am learning to listen more and talk less. I am learning to forgive myself and others.  And I will remain uncomparable for the rest of my life. How about you?

If you want to join me on this journey just scroll over to the right and subscribe to my blog. If you know someone who might need help dealing with their grief please share my blog with them.

Have you thought of me lately?

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One of my biggest fears is that I will forget my son! People fade when you don't see them and as we all know our memories are what keep them alive. My family very seldom speaks to me about Ben. I think they are afraid to bring up his name. I don't even know how often they think about him. After four years you would think it would be easier to talk about him but I guess it's not. I love hearing stories from his friends about things they experienced with him. It lets me know he was really here. When I feel him fading away I picture him in a good situation. The last time I saw him we went out to dinner and he was funny and stressed all at the same time. I hate that that is the last time I saw him. He hugged me when we parted and I hated leaving him two hours away from home. I wanted him to be young again and with no worries. I knew he had to grow up and for the time being it was better this way but I still didn't like it. Less than a month later he was gone.

Now the only thing left is the memories. October first is the day Ben died. Every year I think we should do something to remember him on that day but it usually passes as just another day. I would rather remember his birthday, it was a much happier occasion. We still hang his stocking up at Christmas and probably always will. I write notes to him and put them inside. It's a small gesture but it makes me feel a little ok that he isn't there.

How do you remember your loved ones? Do you do special things on their birthdays, Christmas or the day they died? Share with us how you remember your loved ones so maybe we can find a better way to remember ours.

Fear of the Unknown!

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Like all new things we have a natural fear of the unknown. My stepson Phillip started his freshman year of high school today. Tomorrow his brother Andrew starts his senior year. Both are fearful of what is to come. Phillip because he is at a new larger school and Andrew because this is it, his last year then it is on to the real world as he calls it. But for both boys it is a new beginning. So maybe we should look at death that way. As a new beginning in the spiritual world. I was taught at a very young age that our souls live on. I would like to believe this is true. There are countless experiences of people being contacted by dead relatives. I had an experience with this when my cousin Mary's son Dominic died at the age of 26. We were all very upset by this because he was so young and we didn't even know he was sick. He had flu like symptoms for a few weeks and it turned out he had lymphoma. One day in the hospital and he was gone. The youngest loss ever experienced in our family. That afternoon I was crying and overwhelmed with grief when I sat down on my garage steps, it was around 3 pm. My mind wandered to another place. I saw Dominic peeking his head around a corner, my mom and grandma were there and looked shocked to see him. Then my mom said something like " Dominic! we didn't know it would be you, come on come on". Now you may be thinking "the mind gives us what we think we need". But there is more to this story. Shortly after my vision I called my cousin Debbie and told her about what I had seen. She asked me what time it was when this happened. I told her about 3 pm and she said: "I saw the same thing at the same time". Still gives me chills to this day and that was 11 years ago. Some call it coincidence but it's too real for me to discard that easily. After Ben died he came to my dad in a dream. He was young and had a big grin on his face. Makes me think he is happy wherever he is. It also gives me a sense of peace towards my own death. I know in my heart that he will be there to greet me when it is my time to leave my body behind. Maybe that's part of why I am not afraid of death.


I read a lot of books after Ben died. Many things stood out, but one in particular. I think it was from James Van Praagh, (I read so many it is hard to keep track of who said what). He said something like this: our loved ones spirits are all around us but they can't let us know, because if we knew then we would want to spend all our time with them and it's our job right now to spend our time living.

I would like to know what everyone thinks. Have any of you had similar experiences to mine? Forget the experts, let's share our feelings and experiences. Maybe together we can take some of the fear out of dying and learn to live our best life now.

Losing a friend!

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Yesterday I lost a lifelong friend. My cousin Frank. Well, we were almost related. He was my cousin's cousin and in an Italian family that means we were cousin's too. So, as we grew up together we always referred to each other as cousins. When he was around seven his mom and dad decided to move out to California. Every summer he came home and stayed with his grandparents. We would spend time together when he was home and the rest of the year we would write about the things going on in our lives. Life got busy and while raising our families we lost touch. But a few years ago we reconnected. He brought his kids out to meet everyone and they spent a few weeks visiting. They stayed with us for a few days and it was just like old times. He was the same old Frank. Funny, loving and I was so happy to be able to spend time with him again.

Frank was the most kind and tolerant person I have ever know and probably will ever know. He was accepting of everyone and there was not one person in this world that he wouldn't help. That was his legacy.

Life isn't easy for most of us but he was gay and grew up in the seventies. He faced quite a few challenges along the way. But I never saw him let the negativity of the times control him. I remember a few instances when I was furious with some of the people around us, he just shrugged his shoulders and let it be. I know he was hurt but he didn't show it. He remained loving and kind and moved above the anger. He taught me about acceptance and tolerance. I will miss his laugh, his smile and his love.

Sometimes it seems that death won't leave us alone. It comes calling in the loss of another person we care about. It is a very real part of life. We may ask---why him, why now, or even why not me? Is it a part of a bigger plan? None of us know the answer. Believing we will all meet again someday is what helps me keep going. For now, for whatever reason, it is my time to live. And I am going to live the rest of my life trying to be more like Frank. To honor his legacy by being more forgiving, more tolerant and kind. For it's true "everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle". 

Think about the legacy of those you have lost. What did they leave behind that you can learn from and use in you life? What made them special? What do you want your legacy to be?

Peace to all,
Annette

R.I.P Frank Otello

IT'S ABOUT TIME...

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Webster's describes grief as sadness, sorrow.
No one tells you that grief has no timeline. Understanding grief is not an easy thing unless you have experienced it yourself. It never goes completely away. Three years in and I still feel it on a daily basis. A part of my spark for life is gone and I'll never find it again. That's just how it is.

About a year after Ben died I remember telling my boss that I was starting to feel like myself again. I was getting motivated and feeling things turning around. All he said was "It's about time"!  I hung up the phone thinking---It's about time, It's about time... I was so upset by those three little words. When he said that to me it made me mad. Madder than I had been in a long time. Who did he think he was? What right did he have to say that to me? Did he not know what I was going through? I sat on the couch the rest of the day. Just sat there watching mindless TV until it was time to go to bed. It's funny what words can do to us. He didn't motivate me or make me feel good about feeling better. He just pissed me off and it made me realize that I really wasn't getting better at all. Did he have a clue what I was going through? Of course he didn't, how could he. Life was moving at it's regular pace for him. I was stuck in a time warp. 


Everything is so immediate in our culture. We expect people to just pick themselves up and move forward.
But death gives you a different perspective on life. Things that once mattered are not really important any more. For awhile just surviving is what's important. That's it, just making it to the next day. AA says it best with their phrase "One day at a time". I kept that ever present in my mind. The next time someone said to me "it's about time" I quietly said a prayer for them that they weren't standing in my shoes. And then I repeated to myself  "One day at a time, one day at a time"...


Thanks to all my readers out there for joining me on this journey of healing. I realized this weekend that this is hard but it's good to be able to share with all of you. I'm moving forward. It's a slow process but it's happening. Remembering and feeling and getting it out of my mind and on a printed page is freeing.
Does that make sense to any of you? Has anyone experienced the same thing?


Peace and Luv to all,
Annette

Death and the zombie effect

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A zombie---that's what I became when I was told Ben shot himself. I was in a world of surrealism. I was a zombie going through the motions of life. Shocked, zoned out, so out of it I could not feel anything but the pain of knowing my only son was gone and my daughter was now an only child. Something I knew about was being an only child and I didn't want that for my children. That's why I had two, but now there was one. For some odd reason that was ever present in my mind. My zombie body was doing what was expected. We had a memorial and I stood there afterwards while friends and family told me how sorry they were. Looking back on it now I am extremely appreciative of everyone who came that day and I hope no one will be offended by this but all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and be left alone. I was going through my zombie motions and didn't want to talk about it, didn't want to have to be nice to people, didn't want to socialize, didn't want to see anyone, I wanted to be anywhere but there. The shock of death does that to you. It puts you in an entirely different zone.


The lesson here is to remember this next time you have to visit a grieving friend or relative. Remember that they are not all there. They have experienced a shock. The worst shock imaginable---The Death of a loved one. The first thing you want to ask is how are you doing. How do you think they are doing? How would you be doing? I wanted to scream at the people who asked me that. Oh I knew they meant well. But really, think about it. Deep down you know how they are doing..


So what should you say. I've given this plenty of thought and I think the best thing you can do is let them know you are there if they need you. I'm here if you need me. That's it, just that. And then be there. Being in zombie mode makes it hard to tell you what we need because basically we don't have a clue, we can't comprehend much of anything. My friends---God bless them---they gave me my space but didn't give up on me. I should clarify that---my good friends gave me my space and didn't give up on me. This is when you find out who your true friends are. When you find out what relatives really care. There were many people at Ben's memorial and I'm not talking about each and every one of them. I'm talking about people who I thought were close to me, people who I thought mattered. Before Ben's memorial my phone just kept ringing and ringing, after---not so much. That alone taught me who cared and I truly value that today. I realized my energy is best spent on the people who matter, the people who cared enough to just check on me, just a phone call or an invite to coffee. I am forever grateful for the ones who stopped what they were doing and took the time to care. So if you are on the other side just make the call, not a daily call, once a week will do. No matter how small the gesture it matters more than you will ever imagine.


The zombie state is temporary and when your friend returns to consciousness he/she will remember and be forever grateful you took the time to care.

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A little about me finding my New Normal

I don't really remember where I heard the phrase---A New Normal. I just remember thinking how am I ever going to feel normal again. I soon found out, the normal I once experienced would never again be a part of my life.

My life was forever changed on October 1, 2006. That was the day my son shot himself. He was 24 years old. He had been suffering from depression, a depression that started when he was 13, around the time his dad and I were divorced. Through his teens I took him to different doctors and psychologists. They spent time listening to him, put him on various medicines for the depression and said he was coming along. He took the medicine sporadically, told them what they wanted to hear and suffered silently in his mind. Until that fateful day when it all became to much and he found permanent relief the only way he knew how. He lost all hope, all hope that tomorrow would be a better day.

His last note to me was short---"This is my way. I love you mom". Not much more than that.

It was his way to find peace and it plunged me into my own private hell.
I went into my own depression that lasted three years and only recently have I been able to find my New Normal. With this blog I will be sharing more about my journey to find my new normal. 
Can I help you find your New Normal?

If you have been affected by the loss of a loved one, if you have seen your world come to a crashing halt because of death, if you have had a hard time relating to friends that have lost a loved one---then this blog might be what you need. Join me on a journey to a better understanding of grief, death and how you can survive the loss of a loved one.